Faith Means Fellowship - Oh Boy.

I have a confession to make: I'm an introvert.

Stop laughing. Really, stop - I'm serious. Ok, fine, I'll give you a minute.

...

We good?

Ok. As I was saying, I'm an introvert. No one ever believes me because, as I've mentioned before, I can talk to anyone. I can talk in front of everyone. I delight in public speaking - something more people fear than even death. I talk too much. My family, my friends, and certainly my Bible study group can vouch for that. And yet.

I am very much in my head. People think I have no filter, and yet for every 10 words I say, I keep 100 to myself. My majors were psychology and philosophy in college. I'd rather be in a library than at a club, and I find myself easily exhausted at parties. So whether you use Jung's traditional definition, or that of Urban Dictionary, I am an introvert. The most defining characteristic is being recharged by spending time alone, in reading or reflection. Some people relax by going out, having large gatherings, etc. I need time to relax after any of those types of functions because they wear me out. I rush home after evening functions so I can just be home with by daughter before she goes to bed, even if there's someone I want to speak with. The best way to describe me is "outgoing introvert". I could hug the person who came up with that term.

Each side of that description can be a struggle when it comes to my faith. I want to have fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I want to learn from them, to be energized by their faith, and to share my observations. That's the main reason I began going to my current Bible study. But when I'm there, I feel as though I exhibit the worst of each piece. I talk quite a bit, simply because I am comfortable with speaking in front of others, and not everyone is. I was the student who always raised by hand because I couldn't stand the silence when the teacher asked a question and no one wanted to answer. I wanted to answer, even if I just answered the last five questions, because I wanted the teacher to know that their lesson was sinking in, and I wanted to preserve the flow of the classroom. I'm 30 years old now, and haven't been to school for over 5 years (law school was the most recent), and I still cannot stand that silence. And to someone who doesn't know me, this may come off as my being self-centered, or a know-it-all. 

Sadly, I feel like this potential misconception is only reinforced by the fact that I don't talk with my brothers and sisters much outside of church or study, due in part to my introverted tendencies. They all seem so much deeper in Christ than I am. They know verses, and don't have to check the index of their Bible to figure out where a particular book is so they can read. They've been on mission trips, raised multiple children in the faith, and served on the altar team. Some of them have known one another for decades, and I don't want to horn in on established patterns and relationships. I don't want to bother them. This is the same reason I almost never call or text my friends, although I'd be happy to take a call or text from them.

I know that the first item is ridiculous. My salvation isn't any less valid than theirs due to its shorter duration. But the second is harder to shake, and my life-long struggles with depression and anxiety don't help. I've always been this way. At work, I eat lunch alone, both to re-charge and to avoid butting into a set routine. 

So between keeping to myself outside of discussions and hogging the floor on occasion during them, I don't know that I paint the best picture of myself. And yes, I'm aware that I kind of sound like I'm starting middle school. But the fact of the matter is that I've never had a "group." And I have a great difficulty with acknowledging that I belong anywhere. Again, ridiculous. Of course I belong with God and His people. But those habits are hard to shake.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's a process. The Lord made me who I am for a reason, and I need to grow into that and embrace it, and use it for the best. Now I just have to figure out exactly how that works. And in the meantime, if I talk too much, or too little, bear with me - I'm working on it.