I couldn't for the life of me think of a catchy or clever title for this one. The idea I'm positing needs more than one line, hence the entire blog post.
In recent years, I've come across a line of thinking that made me shake my head in confusion. That if you forgive a person, that means putting yourself in exactly the same position you were in before they harmed you. The situation that allowed them to harm you in the first place. I see this line of reasoning most often when the person who harmed you is a family member.
The same person who would tell you to quit a job with a toxic boss, break up with an abusive boyfriend, or distance yourself from a friend who always puts you down will stand in front of you and insist that you can't change the terms of your relationship with an abusive parent. With a relative who sexually assaulted you. With a sibling who constantly uses you as an ATM for drugs and wouldn't bother giving you a glass of water if you were on fire.
Don't get me wrong - absolutely no part of this is to say that you shouldn't forgive. We are called to forgive everything from the smallest slights to the largest atrocities. But I want to talk about what forgiveness means. Forgiveness means that you are not harboring bitterness toward someone for their harmful actions. It means you are moving on with your life and wishing them the best in moving forward with theirs. You don't seek vengeance - you seek healing for both yourself and for the person who wronged you.
Now let's talk about what forgiveness doesn't mean - it doesn't mean constantly putting yourself back in a position where you're going to be harmed again. It doesn't mean you have to trust the person. It doesn't even mean you have to like the person. You can forgive them and love them as a child of God, but still keep your distance.
For example, I've spoken previously about being molested in college. I've forgiven that man. I forgave him a long time ago. But I'd never be alone with him again. I would never reach out to contact him or try to have him in my life. A friend of mine was physically abused by a family member when they were younger. They have forgiven this man. But they would never let their kids be around him. They would never be alone with him themselves. Another friend was mentally, emotionally, and verbally abused by his mother. He wants her to have the best life she possibly can. He wants her to be happy. He has forgiven her. Yet he doesn't call her - he knows she will try to manipulate him. He doesn't seek out a close relationship because he doesn't trust her to have his best interests (or those of his children) at heart.
Sometimes a person truly does change after committing these horrible acts. Sometimes they come to Christ and truly repent. And that is a wonderful thing - I wish that for anyone who has ever wronged me. But here's the thing: I'm not Jesus. Such an obvious statement, right? But I'm not. I cannot see into a person's heart and soul like He can. If someone who harmed me is truly repentant and changed, I may not believe it. And while I'm open to seeing it, it likely isn't going to happen in a snap. I will see it in God's time.
That's what I think is the most frustrating for those of us who are seeking forgiveness. We can be truly sorry. We can change. We can forgive ourselves, and we can truly love the person we've harmed. But we cannot force them to accept us back into their lives. Even if they forgive us, we cannot force them to be our friend, to go back to whatever our old relationship was. In fact, trying to force them may cause them to feel resentful - we are butting into their healing process so that we can feel better about ourselves, and that is not right. Healing can take a day, a year, a decade, or even a lifetime depending on what the harm was and how long it went on. And you as the one who did the harm do not get to decide what that healing should look like, or how long it should take. As much as I don't generally quote Taylor Swift in my blog, "Band-aids don't fix bullet holes."
No matter which side of this uncomfortable situation you're on - the one who has harmed someone, or the one who has been harmed - there is only one option. Trust God. If you have wronged someone, give them space. Give them time. And trust that if you have truly changed, God will show them. Pray that you can be at peace with the situation as it is until that time comes. If you have been wronged, trust that God wants what is best for you and will show you when it's time - if it ever is - to re-forge a bond with the person who harmed you. Either way, remember that you cannot control other people. The phrase "Let go and let God" exists for a reason.
