A job opened up at the hospital where my daughter had her open heart surgery. It was a position that would involve coordinating the parent volunteers who mentor other parents, sit on the advisory boards, etc. I would have the opportunity to implement some changes, and reach hundreds - thousands - of families. It was basically everything I've been trying to get together my non-profit for, only it would be my day job so nothing would be getting in the way. I had three interviews (one phone, two in-person). There were nearly 200 candidates. I came in second.
I was devastated. No exaggeration. I had a minor existential crisis. This, I had thought, was the culmination of the reason I was given a child with a serious medical issue. This is where I would reach others and be able to turn what we went through into something amazing. I was going to have a job with a purpose (don't get me wrong - I know I do good things in my job right now, but it's certainly not on the level of helping families through such hard times). Where was my purpose now?
Well, about a month after I got the rejection, I got something positive. A pregnancy test. It came with severe exhaustion and morning sickness, and I was grateful that A) my husband drives us to work and B) I wasn't interacting with external clients because I was certainly not physically at my best. Had I gotten the job, it would have been much more difficult. In addition to that, about a week ago I had to have an appendectomy (RIDICULOUSLY SCARY FOR A PREGNANT PERSON). I have no idea how much time off I would have had, etc., whereas with my current job, I'm able to work from home until I can be back in the office.
When I didn't get the job, I called my sister, and I said, "I know there's a reason for it, and it means something better, but I'm still bummed about it." Her response was perfect. "Of course - it's ok to be sad about it."
Contrast this with my experience when someone close to me passed away. I called someone else close to tell them about it, sobbing. "Everything happens for a reason", they blithely said, leading me to make an excuse and end the phone call.
Because here's the thing - we know He has a plan. We know there are reasons for the things that happen to us - good and bad. But that is not to be used as a catch-all response to disregard someone's feelings about the things that happen to them. Offer sympathy. Offer advice if it's asked. But don't expect someone, whether a fellow believer or not, to have all of their negative feelings suddenly wiped away with what can feel like a platitude.
We don't miss our loved ones any less because it was their time to go. We aren't often joyful about being poor despite knowing God will use it for our good. We are not angels. We are flawed human beings who sometimes need time to mourn what we thought would be before we can accept what will be.
So please, the next time someone comes to you with something that's upsetting them, listen. Talk through it with them. And know that the reason will likely be revealed at some point, but in the meantime, remember that it's hard to keep hold of that.
