If you had told me a couple of years ago that I'd be in my car on the way to work belting out a praise song at the top of my lungs, I'd have politely inquired whether you might like to follow me to the padded walls and straight jackets. If you had told me that I'd listen to one of those followed by Bone Thugs & Harmony (which I did this morning), I might have taken you a little more seriously.
My taste in music has always been eclectic. In college, I had a playlist that featured "Closer to Fine" by The Indigo Girls, followed by "Party Up" by DMX. And it only got weirder from there. Now, as a child of Christ, I still listen to a very wide variety of music. I don't sing the curse words (it's good practice for being around my almost 2 year old who repeats everything anyway), and there are a few songs I don't quite love anymore. I know that a lot of people see born-again Christians and imagine that all of their pre-set stations are set to 95.5 The Fish (or the regional equivalent). I thought that, too. Knowing now that this isn't the case, I thought I'd let someone who has greatly influenced my current musical tastes - 17 year old me - help me out with this post.
This particular story starts with a couple of uncomfortable facts about me. I suffer from depression and anxiety, and have for most of my life. I'd like to tell you that with God, there will never be sickness. Never be struggles. Never be sadness. But that's not the case - we are given challenges in life - all of us. Clearly, God is my rock through all of this. But I still see a psychiatric professional, and I am on medication. The second fact is that when I was in my teens, one of the ways I coped with these overwhelming feelings was by cutting. (Oddly enough, I never even thought to do such a thing until I watched the episode of 7th Heaven where Lucy's friend does it, and they get her help because it's obviously unhealthy. Talk about missing the message. And no, I don't in any way blame the show for that - 17 year olds are pretty inherently dumb sometimes.)
I stopped at the same age I started - 17. And one of the pillars of the foundation to make me strong enough to do so was an unlikely source - Marshall Mathers, AKA Eminem. Eminem - a brilliant man, whose violent lyrics have been blamed for an insane range of crimes and disturbing behaviors (really - Google "Eminem blamed for violence" and see how many results you get). The theory goes that people listen to angry, violent music, and it makes them angry and violent. For me, it was the opposite. I listened to angry music because I was angry. Angry about being depressed and not knowing what was wrong with me, angry about the way I was treated by certain people at school (as a side note, I have no issues with these people - I don't hold people accountable now for being jerks as teenagers - see above, re: 17 year olds are dumb), and angry about life in general. And I had no idea how to deal with it.
I didn't have God then - I broke with the Catholic church when I was 15. I knew God well enough to say "hi" to in the hallways, but not to have a conversation. I didn't trust anyone enough to really talk in depth about what was going on. Writing my feelings made me angrier - seeing these injustices in print just made them more real. And my hobby was reading - nothing physical that might have helped me get those feelings out. So I bought "The Eminem Show" and listened to it on loop. And what I found was this: I may not have known how to get my anger out, but if I let him be angry for me, I felt a catharsis. Every ticked off lyric siphoned off some of my stress and anxiety. I quit cutting. I started seeing a psychiatrist. His music got me to a point where I was ok enough to ask for and get the help that I needed. And that snowballed into a whole host of help that led me to where I am today.
Now, was that the ideal way to deal with anger? Probably not. Are his lyrics something I'd want my daughter listening to? Probably not. And hopefully she won't need to. But I firmly believe in acknowledging those who help bring you to a place of healing, and he was one of them. I try to look for the good in everyone - regardless of public opinion. And the thing is, I usually find it. Sometimes hope is found in the most unlikely places.
No comments:
Post a Comment