Gratitude and Grief

I've barely cried. I feel like I should be a human waterfall, but it hasn’t happened. Well, that’s not entirely true. On July 5th at 8:20pm when Colin called me to say that his mom had 8-48 hours to live, I cried. I cried so hard I scared my 2 year old (though we were able to turn that into a teachable moment of “it’s ok to be sad and to cry), and I thought I’d never stop.

I spent the next week jumping out of my skin every time my phone rang or buzzed. True to her life, where no one  could ever tell her what she could do or when, Val hung on for nearly a week. In that time, Colin’s wonderful girlfriend, Sarah, passed a message to Val for me, that I loved her and was so grateful to have had her in my life. She said Val squeezed her hand when she said it. I got to say goodbye, in a sense.

I found out she had passed on a Monday morning. I took 5 minutes to be a mess (no crying, but very close), but I was at work, and that’s all I could afford. I pushed down my grief. I had to work. I had to care for my daughter. The calling hours were Thursday, and I’ll admit I came close to breaking when I saw her. This woman who was so much larger than life looked so small. But still, my eyes stayed dry. We had a gathering Friday evening out by the lake where she liked to sit and shared memories about her. I didn’t cry then either, though I came very close when her sister, who had never met me, hugged me and said “you were very important to my sister.”

I know I will cry that way eventually. It will hit me when I think of something I have to tell her, and I realize I can’t. Or when a Beatles song randomly comes on and I can hear her in my head chastising me for not being a big fan. But for now, in the meantime, I want to say all of the things I wish I’d taken the time to tell her while she was here. So here’s my letter to Val. Maybe when I see her in the next life I’ll read it to her while we listen to “Let it Be”.

Val,

I hardly know where to start. You came into my life at a time where I didn’t know who I was or what I was doing. But you didn’t mind. You opened your arms and your home to me immediately. I wasn’t really used to that. Sure, parents always loved me, but you truly took me on as your own. You didn’t have a daughter, but you treated me like one. Even from our very first meeting, I knew I’d found family in you and yours.

As I grew into myself, you were always there to encourage me. You loved me, and you believed in me, and you made sure that I knew it. We discussed everything under the sun, and you listened and respected me and my ideas. And you wanted me to be happy. I’ll never forget when I came over to your house with Mike after we got engaged, and you said to him, “I’m not going to lie – we were kind of hoping that she’d end up with Colin. But we’re glad she found you.” And when I had Meredith, it was never even a question – she was your grandbaby, too.

I don’t think I ever said it to you, but I told Colin more than once that I want to be you when I grow up. Passionate, driven, ambitious. But also kind, caring, and empathetic. Part of the reason I know I can put together my non-profit and be successful is because I intend to follow your example. You put others first, but you still knew how to take care of yourself. You were a force of nature – strong, and with an amazing presence. You expected the best from others, but unlike many, you were there to help them achieve that “best” in themselves.

Anyone who knows your family can see instantly the kind of person you were. Your boys all have a big piece of you in them. I've said it before and I'll say it again because it bears repeating. Colin always seems to know just what to say or do when someone is upset. Brendan has your quiet confidence and calm. Kerry can talk to anyone and is so incredibly driven in all he does. Dyl, of course, got all the charm.

I haven’t figured out yet how to live in a world that doesn’t have you in it. It seems darker. But I know that you’ve touched and impacted so many of us, and we will do our best to carry your light with us and make sure it reaches even farther.

I love you, I love you, I love you. I am forever changed because of you, and I will always be grateful.